Let’s first try to understand where depression comes from. If you see it as a disease, it will make you a patient, but if you look at it as something that you can come across in life at some point, it can be your friend.
I had been working as a nurse for the past 13 years, and during one of those years, I had worked in a VIP ward that was reserved for celebrities, politicians, and other socially renowned people. There was this one particular person that I remember because I regret that I couldn’t help her as much as I should have. She was beautiful and she was married to a very successful businessman who doted on her day and night.
It seemed like she was living an ideal life – she had money, love, family, everything. However, she was in the hospital because of depression, and every day she would express how much she envied me. Every morning, as I measured out her medication, I would greet her with a smile and she would lament, “I wish I could smile like you.” She would tell me about the pain she felt from having no hope, motivation, or passion for life anymore. At the time, I couldn’t understand why she would say such sad things when her life seemed so perfect.
At the same hospital, I also had the opportunity to care for the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. He too was diagnosed with depression. As a young and inexperienced nurse, I couldn’t understand that even the most successful people, people that everyone around them envies, could also feel lonely and empty inside.
Time passed, and I became deeply depressed. Throughout my entire life, I always put 100% into everything I did. I believed I was happy and successful, so imagine my shock when I realized I had the exact same symptoms as that beautiful woman from long ago. I never dreamed this could happen to me.
I had no motivation to do anything, and everything felt meaningless. Money didn’t matter to me anymore, and neither did having a loving family. I didn’t care about living, eating, washing, or anything else. I just felt as though I was completely alone in this world.
From my medical knowledge as a nurse, I realized that I was going through severe depression and needed to get professional help. Fortunately for me, I was also trained in meditation, and through meditation, I began to look at my depression for what it was and realized that my perspective about it was what made all the difference.
My medical knowledge had led me to financial stability and social abundance, but according to that same knowledge, I should be a “patient”. However, as I observed my condition through meditation, I realized that I came to this world as a human being, and I was just suffering from my human mind. From that perspective, I realized that anyone can get depressed – and suddenly I felt more at ease and was finally able to breathe. I started viewing my depression as a friend who was trying to tell me that I am going through a hard time, even though I wasn’t aware of it myself. And then I gave myself advice as a friend:
“I can see that you are going through something right now. That’s okay. If you don’t feel like it at the moment, you don’t have to do anything. No matter what other people might think, what you are feeling right now isn’t necessarily wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re different than everyone else or that you are weird, it’s something that can happen to anyone. Right now, that feeling of depression is telling you that you need some rest. If you don’t feel like it, at least for a while, you don’t have to try to wash, laugh, or eat for others unless you want to, and it’s okay to just lie in bed all day long. It’s okay to take a step back and just watch other people walk ahead.”
I felt tears running down my face, and I felt like the universe was taking care of me. I felt like it wasn’t me telling myself this, but the universe – which is my true hometown – telling me this.
There are times in life when you feel lost, not knowing where to go in life because you don’t know where you came from. Those are very lonely moments. Meditation has helped me to accept the fact that there will be times when I am in a struggle – instead of being caught up with self-doubts and wondering ‘What’s wrong with me?’. It also helped me open up my mind to the people around me so that I could talk about what was on my mind and get help from them. It made me become good friends with my life and become more relaxed, so I’d like to introduce this video about meditation:
09.03.23. Cerina Lim